Happy New Year!!!
A lot has happened in 2020 and here is my story. It's a loooong story so I'm presenting it in 3 different formats: written, video, and audio.
As the year winds down, with the end only a few days away, I find myself reflecting on these past 12 months. I think of how it started, how I felt, what I accomplished, and where I am in relation to when it began. It's tempting to write this year off as a "no good, horrible year" but to do so would be a disservice to my hard work and perseverance. So, here is my toast to 2020. Here’s to 2020, the year of pain, sorrow, and disappointment Here's to the broken promises and the canceled plans Here's to the tears shed and the jobs lost And here's to us, To everything we accomplished, To persistence and determination. Here's to making the best of the bad, To taking what life threw at us and making something beautiful. I started the year with a whole lot of optimism. Why wouldn't I? I was about to finish my first semester abroad, I was living a dream life in Japan, in the heart of Tokyo. My sister was visiting from the U.S. and I had a whole year of adventures ahead of me. My year abroad was to be the year of self-discovery and growth. I was living on my own, exploring a new country, and doing the things I wanted to do. I had a job as a writer, getting paid to do something I've loved since childhood! I was learning tea ceremony, teaching English, had a wonderful church, and was at one of the top universities in Japan. It was all I could have possibly wanted from a study abroad program. On New Year's Eve, I stood by the big bell at Zojoji temple and counted down in Japanese as the clock struck midnight, Tokyo Tower in the distance, as snow began to fall. That bell would ring 107 more times and I was one of the guests who got to ring it, welcoming in a new year and a new decade. Those first few days were filled with laughter. I remember giggling with my sister and realizing I had not giggled like that in months. Being around family is so important to me and having my sister was like getting back a part of myself I had left in the U.S. When she left, I went back to school and finals season began in full force. It was my own fault for procrastinating and I had little sleep the last few weeks of January as I wrote research papers, completed projects and reports, gave presentations, and studied for exams. I was elated when I finally submitted my last paper. I was done! It was spring break and my other sister was coming to visit. When she arrived, I showed her my favorite spots in town and found a new favorite when we traveled to Hakone. Afterward, we traveled to South Korea. From there, my sister flew back home and I went back to Japan.
It was around this time that things started going downhill. My trips to Okinawa and Kansai were canceled. Church services were canceled. Youth Rush Japan was canceled and along with it a 3-year-old dream. Even with all the cancelations, I was still optimistic…okay, fine, that’s a lie. The Okinawa and Kansai trips were almost a week-long each. I had already paid for those trips before I left the U.S. so I had no additional expenses I needed to work into my monthly budget. I had already gone to the orientations for those trips and the itinerary sounded amazing. I would get to try glass blowing, soba noodle making, and a bunch of other workshops, field trips, and cultural experiences. Now, I wouldn't get to do any of them. The cancelation of church hit me hard. Sabbaths were the only day of the week I got to be surrounded by people with similar values, sing songs I grew up with, eat wonderful vegetarian food, have great conversations, and pour my heart out. In a word, what I had was "fellowship." Having that in general is important, more so when you're all alone in a foreign country. Not being able to go to church took an unexpected emotional, spiritual, and mental toll on me. I hadn’t realized how much I craved that kind of interaction so the disruption that resulted from Sabbaths without church came unexpectedly. Youth Rush was another big blow. Since 2017, I had wanted to join Youth Rush Japan. I had done Youth Rush in California, gone through the whole application process, been interviewed in Japanese, filed the temporary leave paperwork with my study abroad coordinator, arranged for transportation, and had begun learning my two-page Japanese script. Now, it all came to an end.
As February rolled into March, I was done with the disappointment and the self-pity. I was in Japan, for crying out loud! One night, tired of being sad and alone, I got up and walked to Sumida River, two minutes away from my apartment. I ran and kept running until I burst into tears and cried by the river's bank. Then I walked and kept walking until it was almost midnight. I walked 4 miles that night, the following day I walked 11 miles. I had reached a breaking point and it was time to heal or give in to despair. I did it by establishing a routine. I started having regular devotions, traveling more, and investing in myself. I started taking a speed reading class, published my blog, interviewed fellow students, and completed a series of four articles for work. My game face was on and I was killing it! I took day trips around Tokyo and started hiking. It was so much fun! The beginning of the spring semester which was supposed to be the last week of March was pushed back to mid-April. I, as with most people, honestly thought COVID would only be for a few weeks and cases in Japan weren’t spiking as they were in other countries. There were no travel restrictions within Japan. My study abroad program had decided we couldn't leave Tokyo but that was about it. Theme parks were closed but most other businesses were open. I had no cause for alarm. There was no way my study abroad program would force students to take a 16-hour flight back to the U.S., travel through two international airports, lose a semester of school work, and go back to a place where they might not have secure housing or insurance. I felt safe in Japan. I had an apartment, work, and health insurance. There had been a two-day period of panic buying but then things went back to normal. Some universities had emailed their students saying they had to return but I haven't heard anything from mine. I really thought I would get to spend the rest of the school year in Japan, stay until after the Olympics, fly back for my sister's wedding, then go back to school in California. I was wrong. With less than a week's notice, I had to leave Japan. I am fortunate enough to have secure housing with my family. I also didn't cancel my health insurance when I left the country so I was okay on that front as well. I did, however, lose both my jobs, my financial aid (which had already been given to me and I had to refund), and my spring semester. My graduation plan which I had so meticulously worked hard on was suddenly thrown out the window. I was already taking summer classes before my freshman year even officially began and had continued to take summer classes until 2019. I spent that last summer working my butt off so I could afford to study abroad. My whole college career I had balanced work and student life. I had made a commitment that I would not go into debt for my degree and I maintained that promise even when I studied abroad. But now, my carefully laid out plans were just that: plans. Plans that would not come to fruition. What’s more, I felt like I was returning home a failure. I had gone to Japan to study Japanese and while I have improved, I was far from fluent. I had studied and passed all of my classes and yet I could only interact in the most basic of conversations and even then, I wasn’t sure I was giving intelligent answers. I had risked taking a year off of studying computer science to study in Japan. With the enrollment lottery system, I hadn’t been able to enroll in a single computer class. I had to make the time and investment worth it and the two things that would have made studying abroad a success in my books were by becoming fluent in Japanese and being involved in ministry (aka Youth Rush). I haven't been able to do either. Had I just thrown my time and money away for nothing? Before I boarded the plane home, an immigration officer took my residence card and punched a hole in it. My status as a student had come to an end and with it, my visa was forfeit. I came home without the initial excitement that comes when most students return home. Most people are excited to see friends, visit all the places they missed, and eat food from their favorite restaurants. There was none of that for me. I would quarantine for 14 days then I would get to do all those things. Me, the big genius that I am, decided to not tell anyone outside of my family I was home. It would be great. After my isolation, I would get to surprise everyone. At least that would be fun and something good would come out of getting sent home early. But California was just starting its lockdown and two weeks became two months. As glad as I was to be around family, I missed Japan so much. For those first two months, all I could think about was how to get back to Japan. I looked at job opportunities, researched the interview and application process for the JET (Japan Exchange and Teaching) Program, I looked into ministry opportunities, and so on. All the while, I still had to figure out how to catch up with school because of the semester I lost. There was still a lot of paperwork that needed to be completed and I felt so alone throughout the whole process. Everyone was busy with the transition to online schooling. My study abroad program wasn't getting back to me. This was a first for them, too, and they had a lot of things to figure out as well. My university wasn't getting back to me either. While I understand that everyone was dealing with a lot of stress, I can’t but feel abandoned. I was their responsibility. They had kicked me out of college, out of Japan, out of two jobs, out of a nice apartment, and expected me to figure it all out without any support. I felt cheated. I had worked so hard to get to Japan. From the application process, writing essays while I was on vacation, taking 5 units of Japanese during the summer, saving up, and working hard to make sure I had enough money. The list goes on. They had canceled the study abroad program without the student’s consent and given us no other option but to return to the U.S. On top of that, Admissions and Records wouldn't get back to me until November. I was in limbo, not knowing whether the class I took would even count for anything and professors wouldn't get back to me concerning senior advisement. As wonderful as my family is, they could only provide so much support. The people I needed help from were unresponsive.
In those two months, I gained 10 lbs. I wasn't healthy in any sense of the word. I was constantly tired and stressed. I tried to take up running but it was too difficult… everything jiggled. It is so embarrassing to say that but it's the truth. I was in horrible shape and it didn't look like I would be improving anytime soon. I was physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually unhealthy. But no matter how miserable I was, I had to push on. I had already lost too much time and I was playing catch up. I enrolled in 13 units of summer classes. Keep in mind that most college students take only 12 units in a regular semester. In a regular semester, students have 16 weeks, with about a month in between each exam to review and learn new information. I would have 16 weeks' worth of content condensed into 6 weeks, a quiz every class, and an exam and a project due every other week. For the first half of summer, I would be in school from 9:00 AM until 4:00 PM, Monday - Thursday. I had gotten a job with the LA Metro and I would be working from 6:00-9:00. I would wake up at 5:00, get dressed, travel to work (the location varied from week to week so sometimes I had a longer commute). After completing my shift, I would log in to zoom as soon as I get back to the car and listen to my class on the way home. My classes were back to back so I logged into my next class as soon as one was over. I was in class till 4:00 then I would do homework and projects afterward. These were all 300 level major classes so I had to be completely engaged during class or I would be so lost. There was barely any time to completely absorb the information. If I didn't finish my homework, I would wake up at 2:00 AM to work on it which sometimes meant I was awake until it was time to go to work. As it was in Japan, I hit a breaking point and I had to decide if I wanted to pick myself up or continue being miserable. It happened during my second week of summer classes. At this time, people already knew I was back in California. On Sunday, before the school week began, I went to a friend's drive-by graduation. It didn't end until about 9:00 P.M. and I still had a few problems to complete for my math class. I finished them up in the car, scanned my work with my phone, and uploaded it. I got home around 11:00 and went to bed. However, my dog refused to accept it was bedtime already. He barked throughout the night and I didn't fall asleep until 1:00 AM. At about 2:30, I got up to study for my 9:00 AM exam. When I checked my phone, I had a message notification from a friend back in Japan. From reading the first few lines, I could tell she was upset but I also knew that I didn't have the time or the mental energy to respond. I knew it bothered her when it showed that the message had been read but the person hadn't responded. So I left the message unread. By the time I was done reviewing for class, it was time to get ready for work. It was my first day on the job and this was also my first day on a health program my sister recommended. I completed my shift, took my exams and quizzes, then opened the message as soon as I signed off of my last class. I started to cry as I read her message, the summary being I wasn’t a good enough friend and she wanted nothing to do with me. If she had hurled an accusation in my face and asked me to justify my actions, that would have been fine. I would have explained my point of view and why I did or didn't do certain things. But she had called it quits. She didn't even want me to explain myself or salvage our friendship. What hurt most of all was she, someone who should have known me better, assumed the worst of me. I have a difficult time trusting people. My family has this problem where we care more for other people than they care for us. We invest too much of ourselves in people who could care less about us. Oftentimes, people we give our time and affection to find it easy to burn bridges with us when things get rough. Where are the friends who would "stick closer than a brother"? So, few people have entered my inner circle of trust. She was one of those people. I had disclosed to her things I have never told anyone outside of my family. I had gotten on the first available train to her when I learned she wasn't feeling well. I had cared for her and we had shared so much together. In the end, our friendship could be so easily dismissed, a bridge easily burned. I was so exhausted. I had less than two hours of sleep, I had been working then studying all day, and I was still adjusting to my health program. I had a headache from crying and all I wanted to do was sleep. However, it was only the first day of the week and there was homework to be done and projects to be finished. I still had class, work, and the rest of the week ahead of me. After crying my heart out I came to the realization that I was fine. I was hurt and I was sad I lost a friend but I was fine. I had already forgiven her and deep down I knew that my self-worth did not rely on her or anyone else's affection toward me. I was a daughter of God and no person could take that away from me. No cancelation, no lockdown, no government or institution could take my faith away. Only I could do that to myself. And even then, I am loved by Him who made me regardless of whether or not I believe in him. The next day, I woke up, stuck with my health program, went to work, studied, and was faithful in my responsibilities. I lost 8 lbs in my first month on the program. I completed the summer session with As and Bs, finished the speed reading class I had started in February, and started another class on study habits. I have a long and difficult history with reading but I started reading more intentionally during the second half of summer, completing 6 books while staying on top of my school work. I slowly let go of Japan. While I still love it and would go back as soon as I have a chance, I know that now isn't the right time. The U.S. is where I belong, at least for the next few years. So it's the place I'm going to pour time and energy into. Japan will have to wait.
Towards the end of summer, I spent a lot of time in Northern California. My sister was going to be living there after her wedding so I helped with moving some of her things and accompanied her when she went up for interviews and then on the job training. With COVID restrictions yo-yoing between reopening and shutting back down again, my sister's wedding reception was canceled. So we filmed their first dance, cake cutting, and shoe game video ahead of time. It was my privilege to be a part of their wedding preparations. This was the good thing that came out of my study abroad program getting canceled. I had more time to spend with my sister before she got married and I got to know my now brother-in-law a little bit better. While on the road, we usually read and answered questions from the book, "3000 Questions About Me." One of the questions was, "When was the last time you were unhappy?" I had been plenty unhappy in the last year alone, but my answer was, "I am so happy right now and I don't want to think too hard on this question because I might remember and dwell on the times I was sad." With all of the bad things that had happened, I was truly happy and at peace with my situation. I had done everything in my power to go where I wanted to and I left the rest to God. One of the big lessons I learned this year is to choose faithfulness over results. A person can be responsible with things given him and still fail because of things outside of his control. But God sees our faithfulness and honors that even when things don't go according to plan. My sister's wedding is an example. They planned for everything, finished the preparations ahead of time, but they couldn't plan for a pandemic. So many things about the wedding ceremony changed but they adapted and it was the most beautiful wedding I have ever been to (of course, I'm not biased in the least). Their wedding was uniquely them. My sister walked down the aisle singing, "I Get to Love You." I mean "Wow!" was she amazing. I was crying throughout the whole ceremony.
In September, a few friends and I went on a road trip to Sequoia National Park. By this time, I had been on the health program for four months and had lost 22 lbs. During those four months, I had not been exercising. I was eating healthy food with all the nutrients, minerals, and probiotics that I needed but I was only consuming enough calories to maintain day to day functions. If I started exercising, I would have to take in more protein. So, for the last four months (really it was more like since I came back from Japan) I had not been exercising. The night before we left on our road trip one of my friends said, "We should check out Big Pine Lakes." It was a 16-mile hike….. 16 MILES!!! Are you kidding me?! I texted back, "Sure, let's try it and see how far we can go." Lakes… lakes happened downstream of rivers, right? Lakes form in the valleys, right? Not up in the mountains. Wrong. Lakes form all over the place, including mountains. The lakes we were going to were up in the mountains… high up in the mountains. Another thing you should know about me, I am allergic to pollen, dust, and a whole lot of trees. I also have asthma. At that time, my symptoms were getting worse and my doctor had just switched my medications. Now, I would find out if they could rise to the challenge. The hike was hot, steep, and long. I was falling so far behind my friends. They would wait, I would catch up, and I would fall behind again. On the whole, I'm not a competitive person but I hate being last. I hate asking for help which in my mind is what you need when you're weak. I hate being weak. I know I wasn't being rational and that it’s okay to ask for help but boy was I embarrassed to do so. I kept telling them to go ahead and leave me behind but bless their hearts, they kept waiting for me. Soon enough, the embarrassment faded to desperation. I just needed to finish. Forget about being last, I just had to get there. I watched the mountains as we reached the top and the land plateaued. Was this where the lakes resided? Nope. It was just a brief respite, there was another mountain to climb. All I could think was, place one foot in front of the other. I started reciting verses because when I can't keep going, I rely on the strength of One who is mightier than I (really, I should be doing this in my everyday life and not just when things get tough). Finally, we came to the first lake. The water was a beautiful teal. Everything looked fresh and crisp. We stopped to take pictures and exhaustion slowly drained from my body. On the way up, I hadn't sat down because I knew it would be too difficult to get back up if I did. I had leaned against trees or rocks but I hadn't completely sat down. Now, as we took pictures, I sat by the side of the lake, surrounded by tall grass and yellow shrubbery. Having somewhat recovered, we started off for the second lake. Suddenly, breathing became difficult. I wasn't out of breath, I could feel a tightness in the back of my throat and knew it was asthma. My mind went back to the yellow plants by the lake. I called out for a stop and took two puffs of my emergency inhaler. I tried to stay calm but if you looked closely, you would have seen my hands shaking. After a few minutes, my breathing went back to normal. The second lake was worth the additional mile we traveled. I went for a swim in the cold glacial water and was shivering from the cold by the time I got out. It wasn't the brightest idea but water is my weakness and more often than not, I end up swimming even when it's freezing. There's so much more to tell about this trip and all the other events I've touched on so far but I've already written 4000 words and I'm only in September. I'll be writing and making videos on each of these events in detail so be sure to subscribe. I know, how shameless of me!
My brother has been in Utah for the past month because of work. He got COVID and drove 10 hours straight to get back home. He was feeling fatigued but if things got worse, he wanted to be close to home. He quarantined in his own room and had a bathroom dedicated to him. Being the awesome, resilient beast that he is, he recovered quickly. Unfortunately, he still hasn't regained his sense of taste or smell. In October, I began hiking in earnest. Big Pine Lakes was one of the most beautiful places I had been to and I wanted to visit places like that. I wanted to camp and backpack and I wanted to have fun while doing it. I didn’t want to keep struggling. I was done being weak and being the last person to finish. I wanted to walk and not grow weary. I wanted to run and not grow faint. I was hiking almost every other day, which in turn slowed my weight loss down because I was kicked out of fat-burning mode and into muscle building. Even though my mental health was doing wonderfully towards the end of summer, it had declined during the fall semester. Part of me felt like a failure. I was in my final year of computer science and there were so many things I still didn't know or understand. I was doing my senior design project and even though my teammates were kind, I felt like I had bitten off more than I could chew. My other classes weren't going so well either. Hiking made me feel whole. There were so many things in life that were out of my control. So many things I didn’t understand, so much so that I didn't even know what questions to ask or where to search for answers. In contrast, hiking was simple. One foot in front of the other until you reach your goal.
I later went to Utah and hiked Angel's Landing and the Narrows. I was still slow and I was still at the back of the pack but I wasn't dying. Over Thanksgiving Break, I hiked the Backbone Trail of the Santa Monica Mountains over three days. I did it to prove to myself that I could and not to compare myself to anyone else. I sometimes forget this lesson and compare my weakness against other people's strengths. I have to remind myself that I am strong in other ways. I may not be the fastest but I have persistence and tenacity on my side. On the third day, I hiked 31 miles. Blisters had formed between my toes and each step kept the pain alive. I hiked the last 6 miles in the dark, at the point of tears. But I finished strong, gritting my teeth and running the last mile. I could barely walk the next day but boy was I proud to have solo hiked 74 miles.
This finally brings us to December. December has been a mix of emotions, between finishing up classes, trying to be productive over break, getting into the Christmas spirit, and closing up the year properly. Have I accomplished everything I set out to do at the beginning of the year? No. But I sure have done a lot. I have excelled and persevered in so many ways. I've failed a lot and I've gotten back on my feet time and time again. I've made a lot of mistakes and I've tried to learn from them. I didn’t accomplish the things I thought I needed to do to consider study abroad successful. But I learned a whole lot about myself and just how much I can accomplish. Knowing what I know now, would I do it again? Absolutely. I got to live in Japan, not just visit it. I got to have tea with government officials, go snowboarding on Mt. Fuji, try grape picking with a bunch of strangers, and I learned to plan and go on solo trips. Studying abroad goes beyond what you learn in a classroom. Fortunately, I was able to get my classes credited as upper-division general education classes. My application for a Japanese minor, however, was denied and I am in the process of appealing that decision. As for church, I did find a new church family. With restrictions, services are held outdoors and there isn’t a lot of opportunities to make new friends. But I do get to tell children’s stories. I get to write and share it with others. I even got to be part of this year’s Christmas play, COVID edition, of course. Actors that interacted closely were from the same household. For example, Mary, Elizabeth, Joseph, and Angel Gabriel were all from my family. The shepherds were another family, as were the wise men and King Herod. It’s taken a bit of work and adjusting but I am happy to have found fellowship once more. This year has been far from perfect but I have been pretty amazing. I don't say that out of arrogance but to acknowledge my resilience and growth despite everything that's happened. People often think I'm confident because I can deliver speeches or talk to strangers. If only they heard my inner thoughts, the ones that always second guess what I say. They don’t see the hundred and one times I practice a speech before I present. They don't know I map out every possible direction a conversation could go before I open my mouth or hear the number of times I call myself stupid (I know, it's not healthy to do so). I say, "I'm amazing," because I need to acknowledge that for myself. It makes me sad when other people don't see how wonderful they are but I am guilty of the same. When someone compliments me, my mind dismisses it thinking, "If only they knew what a failure you are in this other aspect of life, then they wouldn't say that." So here is my acknowledgment that I am far from perfect, inadequate in so many ways, and absolutely amazing in other aspects of life. I still don't think I'm good at computer science or STEM in general. But to be fair, I hadn't done any programming for a year because of study abroad. So, I had to go back and relearn a lot of the stuff I had forgotten. I also didn't know any programming language before college. I don't have a strong background in math, physics, or any of the other sciences. I didn't even take physics in high school. I never did robotics either. I am, in many ways, playing catch up. And if this year has taught me anything, it's that I'm good at catching up. The girl whose sixth grade teacher and classmates laughed at her for not being a good enough reader, read more than 17 books this year covering history, poetry, biographies, fantasy, and more. I can also read four different writing systems. I have made the Dean's List four times including Japan and finished this semester with 4 As and 2 Bs. Catching up for the semester I lost, I am on track to graduate next spring and am working on becoming a health coach. Despite spending most of the year back home and not abroad, it’s still been a year of growth and self-discovery. So, here's to 2020, the year of sorrow and disappointment. Here's to learning from pain and moving forward. Here's to the broken promises and the canceled plans. Here's to making new ones and finding creative ways to connect with people. Here's to the tears shed and choosing to smile anyway. Here's to perseverance, resilience, and determination. Here's to choosing health and making the best of the bad. Here's to taking what life threw at us and making something beautiful. Here's to 2020. May 2021 be better because of the people we are, even if our circumstance remains the same.
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