Note: An audio version of this post is available on Spotify, Google Podcast, and most major podcast services.
It is only now, in writing the account of my final weeks in Japan, that I realize how alone I was during that time. I talked to my family often. However, the 16 hour time difference made it difficult. Sometimes I wanted to talk to someone just to talk, with no particular story of information in mind that needed to be communicated, but it would be 3:00 in the morning back home. They told me to call whenever I needed to but I didn't want to disturb them over nothing. My friends in Japan were occupied with their own activities or sequestered at home. And so, my solo travels began. From simple trips like eating at vegan cafes, taking the water bus down Sumida River to Odaiba, to spending most of the night at an onsen and traveling three hours to go on a hike, I had many adventures those last few weeks. It was during that time I launched my blog and started posting YouTube videos. Things were starting to look up. After completing a series of four articles for work, I had no more outside obligations. My time was my own.
On March 7th, a friend flying from the Philippines to the US with a layover in Japan came to visit me. We went to Asakusa, Ueno, and Shinjuku before he headed back to the airport. That night, because my legs tired from all the walking, I went to an Onsen. Since having lasting and meaningful friendships have always been difficult for me, I stepped out of my comfort zone and I reached out to a couple of friends to go on little trips around Tokyo. On March 11, I went to Enoshima with my friend Kazumi. The following day, I went to Kiyosumi and Hamarikyu Garden with Ashley. On March 13, I went on a solo trip to Hinode. On March 15, I went on a hike to Mt. Oyama with Ashley, who was distressed. Her home university had contacted her, demanding she go home. I tried to encourage her, believing student petitions would prevail. CSUIP, the organization running our program, wasn't canceling the Japan program so why should students return to their home universities, risking further exposure and losing a whole semester? It didn't make sense and I believed carefully laid out arguments might dissuade her home university's administration. We embarked on our little adventure, trying to enjoy the moment and put fears and worries aside for the day. A few weeks earlier, students who were only studying at Waseda University for a semester returned home to their countries. And now, students from my own program might be leaving as well. Even though I didn't think I would get sent back home, the feeling that time was dwindling and everything was about to change was present. "Make the most of it," was my thinking. "Make these last few weeks, perhaps days, special for the people who are about to leave." That was a good choice on my part because I was able to make the most of those days, not knowing they were also my last.
Now, we come to the last part of this particular story: my last week in Japan. Of the posts I've written concerning the end of my time in Japan (08 Broken Dreams and Promises and 09 Dealing with Disappointment), this is the most difficult to write. In part because so many things happened in a matter of a few days. There are so many details to expand on, so many lessons learned, so many thoughts to verbalize, so many things that needed doing, so many… and now this is my humble attempt at producing a written account of that experience. I will, I'm sure, make mistakes in my recollection and forget details along the way. Still, I will attempt this creation.
I had my Hinode video to edit which took a lot longer than I expected. Editing takes a lot of work! I had no previous experience with Adobe Premiere so I was learning on the go. I also needed to post on my blog. So, I decided to spend the day at home, finish editing, posting, and weekly chores like laundry and cleaning my apartment. As a side note, when people think of study abroad, most think of travel, parties, and drinking. They often forget that the more mundane aspects of life like homework, laundry, and dishes, accompany you even when in a different country. I finished uploading my video and blog post. It was Tuesday, March 17 in Japan. I was so happy and giddy from the high of traveling, documenting it, and creating a product I was proud of sharing. I was looking through pictures, about to post on Instagram, when I got an email notification. The subject line read, "CSU IP Worldwide Program Suspension." It was like a punch in the gut. Or perhaps a concussion is a better description. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. My first thought was, "Oh, so I don't have school?" I didn't understand what it meant. "Does this mean we just stay put and quarantine?" The email read:
Dear CSU IP Abroad Students,
Due to the rise in coronavirus globally. CSU IP has suspended its operations worldwide.
Please see the attached letter from the CSUIP Director regarding the suspension.
We understand that this news may be hard to hear and the situation surrounding the coronavirus is challenging. Please know that CSU IP is here to support you as we all navigate this situation. Attached you will also find FAQ’s for your reference, this includes information regarding the group flight available.
Best Wishes,
Assistant Director of Student Affairs
I took a screenshot and sent it to my family group chat. I moved to my laptop and opened the attached letter from the CSUIP Director. As I was reading, my phone rang. It was my sister, calling to see how I was. I propped the phone on my laptop and continued to read. I felt numb even though golden rays of sunlight poured through my apartment window, bathing it in warmth. It was a beautiful day. My eyes finally register the words that answered my questions.
"While CSU IP has hoped that the coronavirus outbreak would be contained, the latest figures show that the situation has not improved and we have made the decision to suspend all CSU IP program operations worldwide effective March 16, 2020. CSU IP will evacuate all of our students from their host country on the earliest possible flight. Students must leave no later than March 21, 2020."
A sob that came from my throat emerged, and like a fish gasping for oxygen they can only breathe through water, I gasp for air as my sister watched my tearful face through a screen 5,479 miles away. I thought I would have at least until April. I thought I would have time to say goodbye. It was 3:00 PM on March 17, Japan Standard Time, and 10:00 PM on March 16, Pacific Standard Time. I had 99 hours to get out of Japan.
Tuesday: 99 Hours Before Departure
Have you ever taken a personality test? My test reveals that I am an organizer. I cope with stressful situations with checklists; a logical mind emerges that keeps the emotional mind in check. So it was, that as the rug was pulled out from under me, my organizer mind kicked into action. I forwarded the email to my mom so that she could look through it more thoroughly. I had some calls to make.
I couldn't stay in Japan because I was there on a student visa. With the program cancelation, I could not legally stay in Japan because the primary reason for the visa was no longer valid. An American citizen may enter Japan and stay there for up to 3 months on a tourist visa given upon entry. You don't have to go to an embassy beforehand to apply. So, I wanted to contact the embassy and see if I could stay in Japan by virtue of my citizenship, instead of the student visa I entered with. I called the US embassy but there was no answer. I tried a few more numbers and got a hold of a woman who said my concern belonged to another department. I wrote down the number she gave and tried calling. I got a message saying that that was no longer the department's number and to try another number instead. I called that number but there was no answer. I had my passport, resident card, and other documents in hand. I didn't really think they could just cancel our visas like that but I didn't want to risk not being able to go back to Japan later on because I didn't listen to their warnings and stayed a few extra days. I needed to talk to someone at the embassy. I looked at the clock, it was already 3:30. It would take me 37 minutes to travel from Kuramae to Minato where the embassy was located. I would get there past 4:00. Would they even be taking any new cases so late in the day? Would I get there in time? What if I got lost? The margin for error was too small. If I went to the embassy and didn't get there before they closed, I would be wasting more than an hour for travel alone. I opened up a blank word document and wrote the first sentence of a petition.
I am a big fan of petitions. In high school, through petitions and protests, my classmates and I were able to keep the education department for adults with disabilities in our school district open. A year before leaving for Japan, I was able to keep my under-enrolled class open by writing a petition. At that time, I still believed in school administrations and that contacting your government representatives could initiate change. I am less optimistic now. A petition would take time to write, time I didn't have. I would have to organize the students, get everyone to sign it, and who knows if CSUIP would even review it. I was running out of time. I stopped and called back home. Tearfully, I explained that I couldn't get a hold of the embassy and my idea to write a petition. Finally, I asked the question I wanted to ask because I didn’t want to make that decision for myself. "Should I even fight this? Or should I just start packing?" My mother replied, "You'll go back to Japan but I think it's time to come home." There was also the possibility of getting stranded. Borders were closing all over the world. Flights were getting canceled left and right. The following day, the U.S. would place a level 4 travel advisory and embassies all over the world would recall their staff. "Okay," I replied, "I need to buy a suitcase."
I like things. I like having gadgets for specific projects and being accessorized. I had already brought a lot of stuff with me when I went to Japan and had accumulated even more. When my sister came to visit me in February, I sent my winter clothes and books from the first semester home with her. She flew home from Korea with two large suitcases. My dad was planning on visiting me so he would bring back my suitcase when he did. Now, I needed to return home with all my stuff and I only had two carry-on suitcases to fit a whole apartment's worth of stuff. I walked to Asakusa to buy a large suitcase from Don Quijote, usually referred to as Don Ki since the Japanese spelling is Don Kihōte. As I walked, I passed Saizeria, a Japanese/Italian restaurant that offered decent food and vegetarian options for cheap. I hadn't eaten lunch. I entered and sat at a section away from the other patrons. I ordered the usual salad I liked, mashed potatoes, and pizza. I don't remember if I ordered garlic bread as well. The world moved on around me as I sat at a restaurant by myself, mourning the loss of Japan. After eating, I headed back out. "Work" the thought came to me. I needed to resign from work and pick up my last paycheck. I stood by an alcove in the street and typed up a quick email. I sent one to the junior college I had been teaching at and another to the Waseda Public Relations Office.
On the way to Don Ki, I passed Tanpopo, my favorite thrift shop. A white skirt with blue flowers caught my eye. I took it and headed to the cashier. It wasn't logical to stop and buy clothing when I already have so much to do and so many things to pack. In a way, I was feeding my escapist side, first eating in excess then turning to shopping. I asked them about giving donations. Some of my clothes, I would donate back to the store. I arrived at Don Ki and took the escalator up to the third floor where they had a whole section for suitcases. They were over $100 each. Were suitcases at Costco less expensive? I really didn't want to spend the money. Also, I didn't know how many suitcases I needed. I decided to turn around and start organizing my things first then go back out later to buy the suitcase. It would have been more logical to just make a decision then and there, bite the bullet, and fork over the cash, but I wasn't thinking clearly. So, I walked all the way home and started packing. A few weeks earlier, I had put up ukiyo-e prints, Japanese paintings, all over my apartment. I loved that painting style. Now, I carefully took them down.
After a few hours, almost all my things were sorted. Some I would ship back home, others I would carry in my suitcase, and the rest would be thrown away, given away, or donated. At some point, I texted my friends in Japan and my prayer group, "I'm being sent back home. I don't even know what to pray for but please pray for me." What I meant was I didn't know if they should pray that I get to stay or that I would be able to do everything that needed to be done before leaving. Thinking I was ready, I went out to buy my suitcase. I had discarded the Costco idea because I would have to travel an hour just to get there and I couldn't be sure the prices would be much better. So, I just decided to get the one from Don Ki. I walked over and noted that the streets looked particularly empty. There was hardly anyone on the street. Was COVID finally catching up with Asakusa's busy streets? I looked ahead to the ROX building that housed several department stores. Its lights were dim. I looked at my watch. It was almost midnight. No wonder there were so few people, time had slipped past me. I turned around and headed back home. The suitcase would have to wait.
When I got back, my bed was covered with all my stuff. I took out my yoga mat, a carton of soymilk, and headed to the roof. A friend of mine and I used to go to the rooftop all the time and have deep conversations about life while drinking soy milk. Now, I was all alone. I laid on the yoga mat and slept under Tokyo's dark canopy.
I got up half an hour later and decided my flare for the dramatics wasn't worth it. I headed back down, cleared a spot on my bed, and went to sleep.
Wednesday: 82 Hours Before Departure
I had planned to wake up earlier but I was so tired. There were several things I needed to address before I left. I started the day with prayer, crawled out of bed, and made my checklist.
Wednesday
• Call phone company to cancel plan
• Call bank, withdraw money and close account
• Ward office (opens at 8:30)
○ Insurance card
○ Moving out form (てんきょとどけ)
• Post Office
○ Sea mail
○ Where to buy boxes?
• Kokusai - pick up paycheck (10:00)
• Waseda (11:00)
○ Return Student ID
○ Order Transcript
○ Get Dean's List Certificate
○ Ask program coordinator about shipping options/boxes
• Don Ki/Daiso
○ Suitcase
○ Packing bags
○ Gift bags
○ See if they sell boxes
• Donate clothes to Tanpopo (before 5)
Overwhelmed, I called home. I was so hungry but I didn't know what to eat and I didn't have the mental energy to make a decision. My mom asked me if I had eaten all the frozen veggie beef she had sent me when my sister visited. I had not. I heated it up and ate that for breakfast.
I figured I'd call my bank and phone company first thing in the morning but they weren't open yet. Next, I headed to the ward office. I needed to fill out a moving form that stated I was moving out of Japan and I had to return my insurance card. I got lost on the way to the ward office and ended up walking an additional 20 minutes to get to the right location. Once there, one of the staff members helped me fill out the moving form. They gave me an envelope so that I could use my insurance card all the way till my departure and I could mail it in from the airport. They sent me a couple of floors up where I was given some money back. I had paid for my insurance till the end of March and since I would only be using it till the 21st, they refunded me the equivalent of $13. From there, I took the train from Ueno Station to Numabukoro Station, 43 minutes away, to get to work. I picked up my last paycheck and signed a couple of other documents.
At work, I ran into Marley, a friend from my program. Together, we headed to Waseda. Because I liked sending and receiving snail mail, I had beautiful stationery that I used to write thank you letters to people at work. I also made hand-painted postcards featuring scenes from my trips. I gave one to our program coordinator and another to the temple family who had taken care of me. We called our program coordinator "mom" because she took good care of us. She was also shocked by the program cancelation and had asked that we be given more time. That particular Friday was a public holiday so we had even fewer days to get everything we needed to be done. On our program coordinator's desk were our student IDs. The 2019-2020 CSUIP class at Waseda University wouldn't have a group picture to conclude our year abroad, just four rows of student IDs.
I went to the School of International and Liberal Studies to get a copy of my transcript and a dean's list certificate. I had gotten all As that semester. Marley and I met up with Ashley and we headed to the book store to get some Waseda swag. I got a hat, bookmark, and case for my tap card. All three of us got a bottle of Waseda water that had our mascot, a sleepy-looking bear on it. While waiting for Ashley and Marley to get a few more things, I called my phone company to cancel my plan. Because I was canceling before the end of my year-long contract, I was penalized $100.
At this point, I should really have headed home, bought my suitcase and other supplies I needed to pack my stuff. But I was with Marley and Ashley and we had so little time to enjoy Japan. Instead, we decided to forget ourselves for a few hours. We went to Harajuku to get boba from a place called KOI. It was amazing boba. After, we went to the arcades where we spent all our loose change. There, I won my first toy from a crane game.
In the late afternoon, we went our separate ways. I finally went to Don Ki and bought a suitcase for $89. I went to about seven combinis, convenience stores, and asked for boxes. I got about 5 boxes. I went home and my best friend at the time had just gotten back from a trip. We went out to a nearby bar she had always wanted to take me to. I don't drink so I ordered from the nonalcoholic section. We left the bar past 10:00 and I got a text from a friend named Reren asking me if I wanted to sleepover. I was really tired but it might be my last time seeing her. I quickly grabbed a change of clothes and headed out to catch one of the last trains for the night. Ashley was there as well and we reminisced about our time together and how we had met. During orientation, when we had all just arrived, Ashley and I were roommates. Now, on our second to the last night in Japan, we shared a room once more. Soon enough, I was too tired to keep my eyes open and I fell asleep.
Thursday: 57 Hours Before Departure
I left Reren's apartment just before 8. I had to get back to the temple to do my chores, one last time. I'm sure the temple family would have said I didn't need to clean if I had asked to be excused. But I wanted to see my commitment through. I swept the block that housed my apartment and the temple. Next, I cleaned the courtyard, dusted the picture frames in the reception area, wiped down tables, and vacuumed the floor. That done, I started packing my things. Packing took a long time. It wasn't until 4:00 that I finished up and headed to the post office. Since Friday was a public holiday, Thursday was my last opportunity to mail my things. I had four boxes to mail. I borrowed a cart from the temple and brought the first two boxes to the post office. Filling out the paperwork took a while and I had to clarify a few other things for customs. I went back for my two other boxes rushing because they were about to close. It was passed 5 when I got out of the post office. Mailing cost me over $300. I had missed out on delivering my donations to Tanpopo so unfortunately, some of my things would end up going to the trash instead. Three of those boxes would arrive in California without incident two months later. The fourth box would arrive damaged, missing some things, and containing another person's belongings.
In the meantime, my mom had been able to buy me a ticket that left Saturday night. I had done all the major things I needed to do and could focus on cleaning up my apartment and saying a proper goodbye. I went back home and cooked a vegetarian version of chicken adobo. Then I left for my Thursday night Bible Study at Setagaya SDA church. We had dinner together and I said my goodbyes to Daniel Fukuda, Kazumi, and my friend Miharu.
Friday: 33 Hours Before Departure
Sunlight poured in through my apartment window. I gazed over the piles of half-packed items in my room. It was a mess. I started to clean things up. My dishes were piled up and there were still a few more things I needed to do. Friends from church would be coming over for dinner that evening, to say goodbye and welcome in the Sabbath together, again, one last time. A friend and I went to Dandelion Chocolate Factory, my favorite café. We then went to Kayadera temple and bid goodbye to the staff and the temple family who had, for seven months, taken care of me. Through them, I had gotten a taste of what it was like to stay with a host family. I gave them a sakura bonsai as a parting gift, the blossoms fading with the changing weather.
I went back home afterward and opened gift bags I had bought from Daiso on Wednesday night. I divided packets of Filipino food, chocolates, and other snacks and dropped them into the gift bags. Mayu was the first of my friends to arrive. She helped me straighten out my apartment, vacuuming the floor, and starting on the dishes. It's difficult for me to ask for help and so I always brush it aside when people offer but Mayu took a look at what needed to be done and started doing it even when I protested. Outside of saying "thank you," I never told her how much I appreciated her act of kindness. I am lucky to have a friend like her.
Like me, Mayu is a vegetarian. So, I taught her how to cook Bistik, a Filipino dish usually made with beef. We made a loaf of gluten and let it sit in a marinade made of soy sauce and lemon. We then headed out for a last Don Ki trip. I got souvenirs and snacks to bring home. We walked around Asakusa and I looked at Sensoji Temple one last time. On the way back, we met up with two more friends, Silvie and Jovie. We passed by My Basket and Lawsons to get some drinks and additional snacks. Christian, another friend from church, arrived soon after. The evening was filled with joy and laughter as we reminisced and ate dinner. Reren arrived later that night. We talked about life in the U.S. and in the Philippines, exchanging stories about our childhood and the reasons we came to Japan. I gave them their gifts of food and they laughed as they dug out packets of pancit canton and fruit by the foot. I told them to take whatever else they wanted from my apartment.
The evening wound down and one by one, they left. Reren stayed the night and my last full day in Japan came to a close.
Saturday: 15 Hours Before Departure
I woke up around 3:00 AM. Being careful not to wake Reren up, I snuck out of my apartment and walked the streets of Kuramae one last time. Everything was quiet, the world asleep. I walked to Sumida River and looked at the bridges that had served as markers, telling me how near or far I was from home. I looked at Tokyo Skytree in the distance, purple and yellow lights shining in the night. I watched as the boats, tied to their docks, bobbed up and down with the shifting current. I said goodbye and left.
I went back home, showered, and got dressed. I took the remaining ingredients in my refrigerator and threw them all together to make one last breakfast. My friend CJ arrived that morning. I, along with CJ, Reren, and another friend had breakfast together on the rooftop. From the roof, you could look over the temple grounds and the surrounding buildings.
At around 11:00, we left my apartment. I had a big suitcase and two carry-ons. I went by the temple to say a final goodbye and return my key. CJ offered to go to the airport with me and stubborn me, who never accepts help, said, "No, I'm fine." I really should have said yes. We had a tearful goodbye and as the train doors closed, I realized I left my phone on the ticket machine when I added money to my tap card.
This part of the story is somewhat anticlimactic and takes away from the dramatic departure. I ended up getting off the train two stations later. I had to haul my suitcases to another platform because that's where the station lockers were located. I was tired, stressed, and in tears. Having three separate pieces of luggage was so difficult. I had to go up to the street level to use the elevator, cross several streets, then use another elevator to head back down. After getting my luggage stowed, I rode back to the Kuramae station. My phone wasn't there anymore. I got confused and ended up at the wrong lost and found but finally got to the right location and got my phone back. I picked up my luggage, this time carrying them one by one up and down two staircases. That done, I finally headed to the airport.
I was on the same flight as Marley and Ashley and we met up around 3:00 PM, checked in, and looked around the airport. We dropped off our insurance cards at the post office box and I wrote a postcard to CSUIP. I didn't agree with their decision but I did understand why they did what they did. I knew the staff would be getting a lot of hate and anger so I wrote a card to express my thanks for the months I did have. I wrote it on the last postcard I had painted. The scene on the card was a house from my solo trip to Hinode.
2 Hours Before Departure
We passed through security without incident. As we went through customs, we handed in our resident cards and signed a document acknowledging that with our departure we would lose our visa and the privileges our resident card afforded us. The agent took the form and punched a hole on our cards, never to be used again. We made our way to the waiting area, talked, and tried to laugh but we all knew the end was fast approaching.
All in all, I'm proud of how I handled the cancelation of my program. There were certain things that could have gone smoother. I made mistakes like being indecisive with the suitcase, not asking for help, and losing my phone. I also failed to do a proper sweep of my apartment and left a bunch of freshly washed socks under my bed (yes, I am really sad about the socks that lost their sole mate). I have some clothes and two kimonos that were supposed to be mailed to me but got left behind. If only I had worked faster, I could have gotten those mailed out on Thursday. But despite the tight schedule, I was able to address the work, government, and school paperwork that needed to be done. I was able to clean up my apartment and fulfill my commitment to the temple. I was able to cook for and say goodbye to my two church families. I was able to write letters, cards, put together gift bags for the people I cared for and even buy souvenirs for people back home. I was still able to have the meaningful goodbye that I thought would elude me with the rush of my departure. And it didn't just so happen to be that way, I made it happen. I addressed the necessary and fit in what I needed to do for a meaningful departure.
An hour before our departure, we boarded the plane. Ashley and Marley were sitting together a few rows behind me and I made my way to a window seat. Outside, the sun set over the Land of the Rising Sun.
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