Note: An audio version of this post is available on Spotify, Google Podcast, and most major podcast services.
Last week, I talked about broken promises and unfulfilled dreams. The first promise being I would consistently post on my blog. Then there were a lot of promises made to me in the form of plans, programs, and trips which were broken with their cancelation. And there was also the dream of going to Youth Rush Japan which never came true. This week will be about how I dealt with that disappointment.
One Saturday, as the sun was setting over Tokyo, I finally had enough of feeling sorry for myself. I had a headache and had barely eaten anything (as I said, Saturdays were pretty difficult for me, emotionally at least). Instead of eating something warm or just staying in bed (which was what I had done all day), I stumbled out of my apartment and headed to Sumida River. Sumida River was only a two-minute walk from my apartment and runs all the way to the bay, to Odaiba, and the other man-made islands.
Something you should probably know about me is: I do not run. I do not enjoy it and it feels miserable when I do do it. Two years ago, my siblings started training and running half-marathons. Today is actually the anniversary of them running the Pasadena Half Marathon. I did no such thing. I am the only one of my siblings who did not run a half marathon and later Ragnar, a 200-mile relay race. Swimming is my sport. I love water and if you bring me near a big body of water, whether ocean, lake, or river, I will probably end up swimming in it. Despite my aversion to running, I do want to run one day. I want to run a marathon. The idea of running is appealing to me even if the act itself isn't. And so, I started running. I ran, letting the fresh air wash over me. I kept running, passing one bridge after another, and I didn't want to turn back. I pushed my body, "faster" was the only thing on my mind and like a dam breaking, I started to cry. I sat down at the side of the river and cried. The pent up disappointment had reached a breaking point. "Why, God?" I asked. All I wanted was to go to church, to spread the gospel, to be a better Christian and now I had no church.
But deep down I knew that it wasn't God's fault. There are three reasons bad things happen.
1. A consequence of our own sin
2. A consequence of another person's sin
3. The consequence of living in a sinful world
In all three cases, sin is the bottom line. For example, a man gets drunk, decides to drive, and gets into an accident. That accident is the consequence of his own sin. The bystander who is injured is injured because of another person's sin. The mother who dies of cancer, died because our world is broken and decaying. Death entered our world when our first parents sinned. So, in a way, you could also say the third reason is really tied with the second.
Life is full of disappointments and really, it was unfair to blame God for my sorrow. But even King David cried out to God and I figured I could do the same. I poured my heart out to God on the banks of Sumida River and as the water flowed past me, so did the tears down my face.
At this point, I could no longer run. And so, I walked along the river, refusing to turn around. I wanted to see how far my feet would take me. And with each step, it was like a burden was lifted off of me. My mind cleared and my headache receded. I began to see beauty all around me. The walkway along Sumida River had various murals and art pieces. Even though it was located near me, I had never walked so far along the river. I had let the busyness of life get in the way of traveling and exploring. That night I walked all the way from Kuramae to the Tsukishima Station, 4 miles away.
Traveling and exploring my neighborhood became my way of dealing with disappointment. I was restricted to Tokyo so I decided to see all Tokyo had to offer. The following day, I woke up early and walk all the way to Odaiba, taking the same route along the Sumida River I had walked the night before. I walked 7.5 miles from Kuramae all the way to Odaiba beach to only find out that the beach was closed. Unaccustomed to walking that far, my feet were in so much pain. I got on the train back to Kuramae. I would be riding the Yurikamome Line from Odaiba to Shimbashi Station. There I would transfer to the Oedo Line and ride all the way back to Kuramae.
As the train approached Shimbashi, I looked at Google Maps and saw that Hamarikyu Garden was nearby. I didn't want my trip to be a total waste so despite having sore feet, I got off the train and walked to Hamarikyu Garden. It was the most beautiful garden I had ever been to. The plum trees were still blossoming and people lounged about on picnic blankets. On one side of the garden was a dock for the water bus which ferried people along the Sumida River. That visit would spark travel ideas for a few more places and a week or so later, I was able to ride the water bus.
I walked back to the train station and instead of riding all the way back home, I got off one station later and ate at Saizeria, a Japanese/Italian restaurant chain. After eating a salad, pizza, and garlic bread (yes, I was very hungry). I finally headed back home. I walked a total of 11 miles that day, almost a half marathon.
A day later, on February 24, I was informed that Youth Rush Japan had been canceled. When I left for Japan, Japanese was not officially my minor. It could be that all the classes I was taking would not count toward my degree. Academically, my year abroad could end up being a throw-away year. But Youth Rush would have made it worth it. Because Youth Rush would have been about changing people's lives. And now, it really did feel like a throw-away year. My mom would later tell me that, in a way, I was slowly being prepared for greater disappointment. The following week, on March 6, the Kansai Trip was canceled. The beginning of the spring semester was pushed back to April. On March 16, all study abroad programs worldwide under the California State University International Program were suspended.
In the end, it wasn't a throw-away year. I learned a lot about myself and I really grew as a person. I grew in courage and strength. In those last few weeks, I learned to travel by myself and be okay with failed plans and disappointments. The year before, while I was doing Youth Rush in California, one of my leaders called the program, "rejection therapy." We knocked on about 300-500 doors per day. Only a handful of those doors would open and even fewer would actually take a book. At each door, we were more likely to get a rejection instead of a "yes" but we would still knock on each door. Now, I was learning "disappointment therapy," and how to push on even when your dreams and plans are canceled. Sometimes we think of life as a story or a movie that follows a script. You are the main character, there is some sort of conflict, followed by character development. Once you grow as a person and learn the lesson you need to learn, then you can overcome the monster. That done, the story is resolved, loose strings tied up, and we can finally arrive at a happy ending. But life isn't like that. Even though I had found peace and a desire to travel when I ran along Sumida River, my trip to Odaiba ended with a closed beach. I would make plans that were thwarted for some reason or another. But I did find places like Hamarikyu Garden. We learn, adapt, and sometimes fall back into despair and bad habits. But the only thing to do is get up and keep trying. Life is difficult and sometimes there are seasons of "disappointment therapy." So, with nothing else that can be done, take control of the things within our sphere of influence and leave the rest to God.
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